Browse Professor Quotes

Beer helps things happen!
—Professor Strauber, Political Science 101.
The waitress was taking a little long with the check, and she came up and said Sorry about the wait, a computer went down on me. and I said Oh, I've always wondered what computer sex was like.
—Professor Lalonde, Humanities 101, talking about an experience he'd had with trying to make a joke (he said she thought it was hilarious).
Oy Vey, I hope I didn't use the oven this morning
—Professor Strauber, responding to sirens from fire trucks heard out the window
It's unclear if it's clear.
—Professor Pacholec, Intro to Philosophy
Everything is just so evocative!
—Donna Vinter, Irish Literature (Grinnell in London)
I could have told my wife, 'I'm gonna have a concubine if you don't give me a son,' because it's seen as a failure if there isn't a male to carry on the family. Fortunately, she had a son, and that never came up.
—Prof. Hsieh, Chinese History
I'm smart but I just don't know how to teach
—ECN211, Irene Powell
You look confused....or is that just what you look like?
—Professor Kang, Intro Stats
One advice: when you get to forty- kill yourself
—Professor Mark Montgomery
This little lab of mine, I'm gonna let it shine....
—Professor Tom Moore, yes singing, while passing out statistics labs
...take China for instance, they successfully implemented a 'kick-ass' population control solution...I believe that is the technical term.
—Professor Montgomery: Environmental Economics 240.01
“Abstinence sucks.”
—While discussing how abstinence-only sex education has been proven ineffective. Professor Chris Hunter: Deviance and Social Control - SOC 242
Check your papers for typos. Unless they're funny ones with sexual innuendo. Then leave them in.
—Prof. Heitela
It says a lot about this college that they tore down the house of the greatest professor ever (Jesse Macy) and replaced it with the Chrystal palace, one of the ugliest buildings ever.
—Professor Bateman, History of Grinnell College
Well, cudgels are if you really wanna beat somebody. Spears are if you just want them dead.
—Professor Caulkins, Theories of Culture
Oh, you should go there. Everyone should go to Macao. It's a deliciously corrupt place.
—Professor Hsieh, 10:30 a.m., Chinese History II
Sounds like a party; an intratextual party.
—Professor Strauber
I have no need to mention the author's multiculturalism in mentioning the Hindus and Chinese ideas about people governing each other.
—Professor Strauber
You didn't want to get into a relationship with [Byron], but he was *great* for partying!
—Professor Erik Simpson, English 224 : British Trads II
Professor Grey always used to go around in his hippy-dippy moments calling people 'comrade'. ... I always wanted to take a shower after that.
—Professor Strauber
When I said English, I meant French.
—Professor Erik Simpson, English 224 : British Trads II
Don't do th... I do the Jewish jokes. That's the way it works.
—Professor Strauber
If you want to teach then you have to put on hip-boots and wade into the sewer with all the muck.
—Professor Strauber
Spring Break is like a one nighter. Greek is forever.
—Professor LaLonde
Repetition is the mother of learning. I've been waiting to say that!
—Professor Cummins
The fighting among the Gods is sort of like a sorority pillow fight.
—Gerald Lallonde, Talking about the Gods fighting in the Iliad.
I love to talk about killing
—Professor Hsieh, on Chinese methods of execution, Chinese History I
'I know I'm writing a letter god-damnit!'
—Professor LaLonde to his computer
That was a linguistic cool move. I get paid to make cool moves like that.
—Professor Strauber
Insignificant relationships can be critically informative
—Professor Jacobson
Rex is my dog, he's a published author, and I guess et al are his little doggie friends. But he's dead now so....
—Trish (when talking about the source of the names in her citation reference)
There's nothing more separate than infinity and minus infinity!
—Prof. Adelberg for no apparent reason in the middle of Cal I
And she was like, 'Ditch God, yo!'
—Prof. Rietz, The Hebrew Bible
Michael Jackson is a little mosquito of a thing.
—Pip Gordon, Prof of Theatre, Intro to Stagecraft
My choice is an erection.
—Professor Anger, American Art
Modern human males will screw sheep, why wouldn't they screw a neanderthal?
—Prof. Hilton, Intro to Anthro on the fluid notion of the definition of speciation
You have to be careful when throwing candy at a parade. It could hit someone in the face, you could throw it in the street and then a child runs out to get it and gets hit by a car, and that's not good for a campaign.
—Prof. Barbara Trish, Political Parties
My love is unqualified. I am the Pope.
—Professor Doug Diamond giving one reason why he gave his tutorial class an extension on a paper.
I'm an intellectual geek. I don't fight. I just call people names.
—Prof. Brown (Jackmasta B) BIO 136: Evolution and Ecology
Can I borrow a cup of error for the weekend?
—Professor Pacholec, Intro to Philosophy
To understand this play, you should have one drink, but not two
—Professor Shelia Fox, Grinnell-In-London, with advice on how to enjoy Checkov's Platonov
Any Frenchman who knows his ass from a hole in the ground knows not to stay neutral when the Germans go to war.
—Professor Patch, History, Germany from Unification to Reunification
I'm just a crazy whiteboy, that's all I am
—Professor Hart, in Economics 217, when asked about an extensive homework assignment.
I'm so glad I can entertain you
—Barbara Trish, Political Science, after writing on the dry erase board with a permanant marker.
Don't touch the feces of a top predator when they're on the ground...or any other time.
—Professor Rogers: Biology 136 Evolution and Ecology
All psychotic high school english teachers should be shot at birth
—Doug Diamond. Tutorial, '00
Eating people, that's kind of an odd thing...
—Prof. Martino, Abnormal Psych: on Jeffrey Dahmer.
I am 95 percent confidant that daily drinkers are more likely to be alcoholics than binge drinkers
—Professor Irene Powell, Economics 211
There's no reason why the word dog has to be associated with a furry four-legged creature with a wet nose and turds bigger than its brain.
—Prof. John Whittaker. On explaining the infinite variability of meaningful utterences.
Since this is a sociology class, we will study all manner of social phenomena. So if you fart in class, we'll study that in a sociological context.


—Prof. Hunter to his Sociology class.
All I remember about Helen Keller's autobiography was that Anne Sullivan kept beating the heck out of her.
—Paul Draus, American Beliefs and Cultural Values
For every red mark on your paper, she’s put 500 on mine. Remember that! I want her students to know that I feel their pain to the 50th power.”
—Econ. prof Mark Montgomery, about wife and co-worker Irene Powell
God is not a very good theologian.
—Professor Kasimow, the Jewish Tradition
At some point you run out of things to fight about. After a while, the whole evening would go by, and you haven’t bickered at each other even once. What can you do to capture the passion?
—Economics Prof. Mark Montgomery, about wife and fellow economist Irene Powell
“You may be able to tell that we are not a lesbian couple...”
—Economics Prof. Irene Powell, referring to husband and fellow economist Mark Montgomery
The turkey has arrived! The one under the foil, that is.
—David Harrison, jokingly said at the French department picnic, as Dan Gross approached holding the main dish.
It's very difficult - unless you live in France or Albania - not to understand that markets control the world.
—Prof Bateman, Intro to Econ
I have never seen so many generals all in one place... all wagging their tails...
—Professor Schoenbaum, Intro to Foreign Policy: Arrival of our speaker
you get extra dredit for every day you don't make a horrible pun.
—mark baechtel- craft of fiction
The British do odd things
—Elizabeth Dobbs, English Historical Linguistics
(jokingly)
Happy holildays from Mark Montgomery, Jingle bells jingle bells no points for you, oh what fun it is to try to send your gpa to hell, hey.

—Professor Montgomery, Micro Economics
My office hours are posted on my
board. Or you can call or e-mail me for a good time.
—An e-mail from Prof. Emily Moore
Then you could send you daughter to one of those boring finishing schools where she could learn to fold napkins properly.
—Professor Bowers-Isaacson, History of London, Grinnell-in-London, describing how to improve your social position in 19th century London.
The English language has the wonderful property of letting us express many different things with words.
—Janet Gibson, Statistics 115-01
I'm here to break up families
—Mark Dorr, symphony band director, refering to woodwind and brass families
I'm so glad you're living on south campus this year; north campus is so jockish--or rather jockstrappish.
—Anonymous cool professor
This country's economy is as dead as the New York Yankees and Houston Astros are right now.
—Professor Mutti, International Econ, 233.
Georgia was Australia in the United States
—Steve Andrews, American Trads II
Sometimes in math, stuff cancels out, and that makes life worth living.
—Professor Hill, Calc II
Just think of Star Wars and everything will make sense.
—Professor Cadmus, Physics 116, the Universe and its Structure
I told you to get here at 8:10. Most of you made it, but some of you walked in a few minutes late. So from now on, arrive at 8:10 cause dinner is served at 8:15.
—Elizabeth Dobbs, English Historical Linguistics.
Happy Zach A. Zaslow Day!
—Prof. Ira Strauber, Constitutional Law & Politics
Talking about how various groups utilize difference resources to exercise power...
How about the American Association of Retired People(AARP)? What do they have going for them? A hell of a lot of time.
—Professor Trish, POL 101: Intro. to Poli. Sci.
To this day, there are people being rustic in ships, I assure you.
—Prof. Dennis Hughes, Greek 111
It takes a whole village to make a hero
—Professor Simawe, Traditions of African-American Lit
The one-six-four chord does not have a social life. It does not go out at night. It just goes straight home to the five chord.
—Prof. Diamond
Lochnerizing is like having sex with sheep.
—Professor Ira Strauber
...that may work for rats, monkeys, and white kids, but not everyone else!
—Professor Jean Janson: Education 101 Spring 2000, in regards to Educational Standards.
At a school in LA, which shall remain nameless, I was not allowed to say the word vagina in the classroom. Can you imagine anyone telling me that at Grinnell?
(A student replies: Were you allowed to say penis?) I don't know. Penis never came up.
—Professor Jan Doolittle, History of Women in the United States
You look at these [quantum mechanics] equations, and you kind of feel obligated to say, 'If I was to have designed the world, I wouldn't have done it this way!'
—Prof. Case, Physics 132
So...no one here agrees with my statement that these figs might possibly be testicles. Think about it--brown, wrinkly...okay, so no one else sees it. Alright, maybe Steve's the one with the dirty mind, maybe Steve's the one with the problem.
—Prof. Steve Andrews, ENG 228, while discussing H.D.'s "Priapus"
The heat range of a prairie fire five feet from the ground is 600-700 degrees. At that temperature it chars whatever it blows across, be it vegetation or a mormons with a handcart.
—Peter Jacobson, Bio. 150.2
Back in my country, Czechoslovakia, beer is not considered alcohol--simply nutrition. You Americans have runied it. You drink beer just to get drunk, not to grow stronger.
—Professor Cernoch, Intro Poli Sci.
No one knows what a high ball is? Has no one in here ever seen a Clark Gable movie? Dang, I thought you Grinnell students were supposed to be all be experts on every kind of booze. At least, that's what the Grinnell PD seems to think.
—Professor Perri, Spanish 217.
Maple just had to be convinced that I was serious about this problem. You may think that this is silly, but that is the way a lot of these programs work.
—professor adelberg
You need to manipulate and message this equation.
—Professor Chamberland, Linear Algebra
And if you think you can get away with writing THAT on the exam, just remember, I didn't grow this beard for nothing!
—Professor Marc Chamberland, Linear Algebra
They avoid sex entirely. I don't think anyone considers that to be highly evolved.
—Prof. Diane Robertson on Angiosperms, Biology 150-02.
Welcome to the jungle, we've got no fun and games. We've got Spanish quizzes, you've got to work hard to get good grades.
—Professor Perri (Translated from Spanish) Spanish 217.
It was the 100th anniversary of the discovery of the Golgi Apparatus in 1999. You can imagine the wild parties cell biologists had!
—Prof. Sullivan in Bio 236
If you really want to pick a fight with a room full of theoretical statisticians, say you’re a Bayesian. Being a Bayesian is like being a Klingon.
—D. Lopatto, Experimental Design (Wednesday)
Fortress -- that's a very bisexual word.
—Prof. Cavanagh, English 115
Children are so cute but they are just so... viscous!
—Professor Skerrett, REL 213:Christian Tradition
vector components is where all the action is.
—prof. adelberg calc II
Children are just like these little infestations.
—Professor Skerrett, REL 213:Christian Tradition
No seriously, what is the Walk of Shame?
—Professor Petrzelka, Intro. Sociology
Finally, something that makes sense.
(written next to the last line of math stuff on my latest calc test)
—Professor Adelberg- calculus II
I wore these for you.
—Professor Adelberg- calculus II
I'm just not going to get into fungi sex. It's some wierd stuff.
—Professor Jacobson, Intro. Bio.
We're talking about mental masterbastion that yielded a whole bag of goodies
—Prof. Marcia Frost, when talking about tinkering w/ technology

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